St. Patrick’s Day: Getting Off on the Wrong Foot

Saturday, 17 March 2012 02:24

Written by Robert Biller

This’ll be a short post cause I’m pie-eyed.  This afternoon, as a pre-St. Paddy’s Day treat, I purchased a case of Guinness Draught cans. Once home, three quickly disappeared; then, Sweetie and I headed out (she, wonderful she, drove) for a Friday flick. We caught 21 Jump Street. It got funnier and funnier as I polished off the three Guinness Draught cans I stashed in Sweetie’s purse. By the time Johnny Depp made a cameo appearance, and Jonah Hill shot off the bad guy’s penis and wouldn’t help him pick it up off the pavement, I was feeling hungry and thirsty. We headed for Longhorn Steakhouse – great choice on a Lenten Friday – and ate some goofy shrimp dish. I was good, and didn’t drink any more Guinness, because they didn’t have it on tap, only in bottles! But I did drain two margaritas. Sweetie, wonderful Sweetie, drove home. At home, I opened another can and offered to help Sweetie, wonderful Sweetie, color her hair. I mixed the goo in the tube with the semen-resembling substance in the bottle, shook it for about a minute and applied it to Sweetie’s hair, covering the gray parts first. We waited 25 minutes and then I helped her rinse. But I knew something was wrong, because the rinse water was perfectly clear. Guess what? The goo in the tube I mixed was the conditioner, not the coloring agent! What a part-Irish jackass am I! But Sweetie, wonderful Sweetie, forgave me…again. I don’t deserve her! Have a great St. Patrick’s Day!