Dear Political Candidates: I reside in Fombell, Beaver County. If you’d like to purchase my vote, please contact me. What? You think you can’t trust me to vote for you, after I give you my word and you hand over the “appreciation” fee! Heck, fair is fair! I’ve voted for many of you expecting to reap benefits from the lies you told me. Is there no honor among scoundrels?

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Ivy League-educated Division 1 college head football coaches are about as rare on major college gridiron sidelines as Ivy League graduates are ubiquitous in the upper echelons of government agencies. Soon, I think, there will be one less Brown alumnus limping around, or lounging in the press box, at Beaver Stadium. Penn State’s living legend and all-time Division 1 win leader (409), Joe Paterno, won’t be put out to pasture because of senility or infirmity or incompetence. Happy Valley’s 84-year-old mossback (George Bush is his hero) Methuselah may have done too little when he was informed by then graduate assistant Mike McQueary (currently a Penn State wide receiver coach) in 2002 that he’d (McQueary) witnessed (the previous evening) former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky anally sodomizing a 10-year-old boy in a shower located in the Lasch Football Building. Paterno, the next day, met with Penn State Athletic Director Tim Curley and relayed McQueary’s observations. To make a long story much shorter, the alleged sexual-assault incident was never reported to the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare and/or a law enforcement agency as is required by Pennsylvania’s mandatory reporting statue for suspected child abuse.

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 Arians called a great game against the Patriots and that means all of his defenders will be saying: “See all you Arians bashers, we told you he was not the problem”. But wait a minute: what have the criticisms of Arians been? One of them was that he does not play small ball, that is, the short to medium passing game that is the NFL offensive staple these days. Well last Sunday the Steelers did play small ball and it worked to perfection. The obvious question Is “What took him so long to come to the realization that with a suspect offensive line and the blitz happy defenses, small ball is a path to success?” My concern now is that he will revert back to looking for Wallace 40 yards downfield while Roethlisberger is assassinated in the non existent pocket.  (Please don’t misinterpret this, I love the bombs to Wallace.)

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Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau benches Alexander the Great

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The Steelers scored a major victory vs. the New England Patriots. However, how did individual position groups grade out?

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Poor Rick Santorum. All along he's been thinking that we gay people are threatening to destroy the very foundation of our society with our marriage agenda. He's tried so hard to convince the world that the sanctity of wedlock can only be preserved by a male and a female taking vows. Rick has recently stated that he would "die on the hill" in Washington to fight to keep the exclusive rights to wed for heterosexuals only...with the understanding that the only valid reason for anyone to marry is for procreation.

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I wonder if any peripatetic trick-or-treaters visited the Occupy Pittsburgh tent-city squatters currently inhabiting Mellon Green. I hope not, since it’s reportedly a fornicator’s paradise driven by body-rubbing-against-body heating and that heady aphrodisiac, dissent! Occupy "Everywhere" is morphing from relevant to ridiculous, because of its directionless agenda and, forgive me, by-and-large goofy zealots. America’s hoi polloi are quickly bored and easily jaded, and the Occupy movement has begun to overstay its original, enthusiastic welcome. That’s a shame! America needs to confront the growing financial gap between its richest citizens and everyone else. Today’s super-rich are increasingly self-made meritocrats, who have more in common with plutocrats from other nations than their own countrymen.

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Behind the Numbers: A look inside the Penguins one month into 2011-12 season
Follow me on Twitter @JohnToperzer

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